


hurt

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 17:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I feel human, I feel pain, even in death.





	hurt

Hurt. To me it’s a wonderful feeling. It reminds me I am human, and I feel pain, the same as other humans. I’m not a masochist by any means but I love being hit, slapped, and insulted. It helps me feel my humanity. I’m reminded of how imperfect we all are. It’s mostly when my mother yells at me that I’m not good enough. I think what I’m supposed to, at first. “That hurts. I don’t like being insulted.” But then I think that she’s human, and there are reasons she is yelling that I am worthless, that I am not good enough. She is in pain. She hurts. She feels like _she_ isn’t good enough.

I feel it other times when my girlfriend hits me. She says I am a stupid boy, and that I shouldn’t think the way I do. “You overanalyze things,” she tells me, punching me lightly on the shoulder. This is when we are in public. At home, in our small cold apartment, she hits me in the face, kicks me in the ribs, and jabs me in the stomach. I think what I’m supposed to, at first. “That hurts. I don’t like being hit.” But that I think that’s she’s human, and there are reasons she is hitting me and hurting me. She has been hurt. She has been hit. Her father abused her. She just wants to be on the other side of the pain.

I feel it, lastly, when I hurt myself. I’m not proud of letting myself be abused, or letting myself be hurt, but I’m least proud of this. I cut my skin, leaving scars up my arms and down my thighs. It hurt, at first. I thought what I was supposed to. “I shouldn’t be doing this. This isn’t helping me.” Then I am reminded that I am human, and there are reasons I hurt myself. I’m in pain. My girlfriend abuses me physically and my mother, mentally. I’m in pain and I want control of my pain. I want control – over something.

I feel it now. I feel in control.


End file.
